Summer 2014:
The doorbell rang and I quickly pulled my greasy hair into a ponytail before answering the door. I tried to smile and made awkward jokes while quickly signing the receipt for the pizza delivery guy—or was it a girl? I couldn’t tell—before shutting the door and collapsing back on the couch.
Thin crust Parmesan white sauce pizza, with chicken, olives, BACON, and spinach (just to make me feel healthy), and a side of chocolate lava crunch cakes. I ate all of it while watching the entire first season of Gilmore girls and blowing emotional snot into an entire box worth of tissues.
I didn't sleep at all that night.
Two weeks earlier:
"I killed it! Love you too babe!" I responded as I ended the call and put my phone back into my purse.
This was it. I had just owned an interview as one of the final three applicants for my dream job at the BYU Library, and was on my way to meet up with my super smart and sexy boyfriend—soon to be fiancé if what we talked about last night meant anything.
I was on fire, and everything was going exactly as planned.
Yet there's this funny saying that my Mom likes to tell me every once in awhile: Every time we make plans, God laughs and throws our life into mayhem. She also refers to it as being put in the refiner's fire. Haha Mom, haha.
In the next two weeks not only did I get rejected by my dream job, I also got rejected by two other jobs that were my plans B and C, dumped by my suddenly not-so-smart-or-sexy boyfriend, and was ready to give up on ever being the incredibly successful woman I had always dreamed of being.
Now let's take it back to a week AFTER my pizza eating, Gilmore Girls binge-watching, snot monster night of despair.
Arizona: One Week After The Snot Fest:
Yet again I was a snotty salty mess, only this time I was at a funeral. Instead of being alone on a couch, I was surrounded by family and loved ones with a different kind of heartache than a week earlier. This was a kind of pain that no amount of pizza or Gilmore Girls could ever stop. I was so confused, and I had so many questions. That said, the pain I was experiencing could be nowhere near to the pain and heartache my cousin's parents and siblings felt. I had no clue how to help, or how to feel. This was something I had never experienced before.
Eventually time passed and the pain eased, but the experiences of that summer forever changed me. Our time in mortality is more limited than we realize. I no loner wanted to just 'survive' anymore: Living from day to day by the seat of my pants with no goals or direction—just hoping something would work out. I wanted to start acting, and stop being acted upon. I wanted to live my life with purpose. To stop focusing on all the reasons why I "can't", and to start focusing on all the reasons why I "can". I started carving a new path for my life.
After a brief term of "not-speaking" to my Heavenly Father during that summer, I sought Him out as never before. I had always believed in His plan, and that one day I would be able to see those who passed on in the next life, but that passive belief wasn’t enough anymore. I needed to KNOW. I wanted to increase understanding of my purpose in this life, and to improve my relationship with Him and His son who atoned for all God's children. I needed to know He was truly there.
And He was.
That summer was only the beginning of a life-long journey I embarked on to stop simply 'surviving', and to start 'thriving'. To stop simply 'doing', and to start BECOMING all that I have wanted and am meant to be.
But you'll have to wait for that story next time.
